Chronic Fatigue and PTSD Healing Morning Diary.
I want to be here with myself right now. I have come so far on my healing journey. I have realised so much. I recognise my truth has been difficult to swallow for some. That my idea of truth has been worthless to many.
But I know who I am and where I am going. I know the beauty of my heart. I know my journey and I will not villainies myself or tell myself that I am a bad person any longer.
I don't like showing people when I feel unwell, it scares me to feel so powerless. Not feeling trust enough with the people I've known, to let myself be held and seen. So I generally only go out and show myself when I'm having a good day. Or if I'm not I generally hide it, to protect myself and to protect them from feeling like they have to do something.
That's why I went and made friends with lots of hippies and people into spirituality. They liked to look at life in a way that I wasn't used to. They have no qualms about taking a total stranger in their arms and just lying there with them, for however long it's needed.
I have missed touch so much on this journey. I haven't wanted to have a relationship in this time of transformation. Be it for a multitude of reasons. I just didn't feel safe to. Healing is a messy process. You are literally facing every horrible thing that's ever happened to you and every terrible thing you've ever done to anybody else. To create a new pathway, to be able to walk with what's happened in your life with acceptance, forgiveness and with any luck a bit of grace. To be able to turn all of the darkness into something light and worthwhile. To be of service.
It's intense and visceral. You find yourself in tears often pining for a space within the urban stratosphere to scream, without being heard by someone. To let out the noises that you were unable to in the moment.... When it may have stopped what was happening.** rest of diary through the link in my bio
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