Two weeks ago up North on vacation. It was raining, and still a perfect day.
Right before this 📷 was taken I remember feeling so joyful, saying to 🧔🏻how maybe this was the first time a little babe would be with us up in our favorite place and how hopeful we were that I was pregnant. .
Last Thursday we found out that wasn’t the case. The third and final round of Clomid didn’t work. After 2 years, I’m still not pregnant. With no known medical reason for why. And oh my goodness. It rocked me.
I have never ever felt so sad and defeated. And I had no prior understanding the depths to which a person could feel that kind of pain. It’s crushing.
It’s not like I haven’t felt sad or frustrated throughout this process before. But this time it’s different. I’m not totally sure why, maybe because I’ve tried so many things over the past two years. Our options after this only get more intense and invasive. I learned from the Clomid my body DOES NOT like drugs. Almost every unpleasant side effect a person could have, I had. And they intensified with each round. So that’s hard to accept. .
I’m not sharing this for pity or sympathy. But for an outlet. It’s too hard and painful to keep to myself or even to just 🧔🏻 and I. I learned a lot from my Dad battling four rounds of #cancer
, and this past round, journaling through his Caring Bridge site saved me. It was such a cathartic way to process what we were experiencing - and very efficient for keeping loved ones informed both logistically and emotionally. And since there isn’t really a caring bridge for #infertility
that I know of and I don’t have a blog, here I am ☺️
I also know I’m not alone in these experiences. While that brings more ache to my 💔for others, there is some comfort and hope in the commissary and compassion. 🙏🏻 to everyone that has reached out from what I’ve shared here so far. This is a hard, lonely journey. But yet we still feel so much love and have so much to be grateful for in our lives. We know this. And for now, I’m trying to give myself grace to feel sad, really sad. But to also remember all that we have. There is a purpose and I will keep trusting that God is good.