“She passed away”. What? Again? This was the second person. In 2 months.
I never spoke to her much. But I did speak to him. He was another-- relative someone special who isn’t here anymore. I knew my great uncle very, very, well. He’d hold me in his lap and I have old photos smiling blissfully with him. He gave me the cutest nickname and told me I’d be great.
And the weekend that I was out-of-town that I got a call of his passing, I ignored it. I tried to ignore his death because I had to take an exam that following Monday, because I was already so emotionally burdened with other things going on in my life. I told myself, after that exam, I’d grieve him, pray for him, and call up my grandmother and others to talk about him. But life happened, and I didn’t. I kept ignoring it. I was emotionally drained, so I was selfish.
Until today. When I got a call that someone else passed. Someone who I didn’t know as well, but a person nonetheless. Someone’s mother, sister, daughter, friend. And the illness, the way that they passed, is my life’s nightmare.
Have I lost my humanity? In the middle of trying to survive my life that is medical school, who is this person who won’t let herself feel, because, God forbid, those feelings make me less competent on my exam.
As I type this, sitting in a coffee shop surrounded by people, tearing up with the emotions I once tried to push away, I realize that I am only a good student doctor, so as long as I feel. The day I stop feeling, is the day I lose my humanity. And the day I lose my humanity, is the day I lose my competency as a physician completely.
#medschool #whitecoatwisdom #medstudent #student #premed #pakistani #physicianassistant #whitecoat #scrubs #blog #medicine #medicalschool #indian #medlife #USMLE #writersofinstagram #reconcilingmedicine #medical #womeninmedicine #depression #human #MCAT #hospital #nursing #paschool #premedadvice #doctor #physician #lifeinmedicine